Wednesday, December 23, 2009

TEENAGE HANGOVER PRESENTS: THE ALTEST XMAS SONGS


Year after year hipsters everywhere cringe at the sound of badly-done covers of 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas' and 'Christmas Time' as they pass by their local Sports Direct.com convenience stores and catch a glimpse of 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer' as they attend their nan's traditional Christmas gatherings, pulling shitty crackers and pretending to care about their distant cousins. But now, faith in the festive season can be restored: there's no need to hold in the urge to sing when 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day' plays and there's no need to become a Jehovah's witness ironically; because presented right here is a list of the altest xmas tunes you will ever hear. It's like that Rage Against the Sellouts campaign, except against Wizard. You know what I mean.

10. Julian Casablancas - I Wish It Was Christmas Today

So Julian realised that it's too late to bring back The Strokes (well, I guess he didn't) and decided to scoot off solo and record a Christmas single. Isn't that great? Although fairly embarrassing to listen to for the hipster because of it's catchy melody and pretty bland lyrics (as well as the fact it's simply Julian Casablancas), it works out as one of the more 'likeable' Christmas songs this year. At least it's better than John Lennon.

9. The Flaming Lips - Christmas at the Zoo

You can't get much alter than spending your Christmas Day at the zoo. The Flaming Lips make it sound fun anyway. I'd do it myself if I could find one open. Seriously, I'd recommend giving it a try. You could just hang with the animals and dress them in Santa hats, and if they have reindeers you could role-play! It's also a pretty Grandma-incompatible tune, which is a plus.

8. Sufjan Stevens - We Three Kings

Having never listened to SS before, I do not know what to make of this. Feel like it captures the spirit of the nativity story, and mixes it with the American singer-songwriter from Detroit format, to come up with something that could be broadcast on an alt version of Songs of Praise, or blogged about on a relevant hipster gossip (hossip?) website such as Pedestrian.TV. Keep on truckin SS.

7. Death Cab for Cutie - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

The snow's coming down
I'm watching it fall

This one is perfect, because it has the sheer cringefactor that the usual Christmas song suspects have, yet it's by Death Cab for Cutie. So it kind of is and isn't alt. I guess it's alt, because it's bad? I think that's how it works. BAD, GOOD TUNE.

6. Cutting Pink With Knives - Merry Fucking Christmas, You Spineless Fuck

These bros tell it like it is. And I guess they have a lot to say, because this song is 10 minutes long. Sounds like a really fucking angry version of Animal Collective. But seriously, why is this so long? Is this their post-rock christmas song? Are there any post-rock christmas songs? Should I get into post-rock? Should I get into post-coital depression instead?

5. Fucked Up - Do They Know It's Christmas?

If Bob Mould asks you to feed the world, you do it. Bob Mould for President 2K12.

4. Blakfish - Merry Fucking Xmas

By far the best Christmas themed Blakfish song. Although I'm not even sure the lyrics are about Christmas, so not sure if it counts as a Christmas song, this would have probably been a more relevant video to put in this count down; Missing You: The True Meaning Of Christmas. Check out those solos and the drummer's voice, what the hell is up with that.


3. caP'n Jazz - Winter Wonderland

Sorry about the creepy video. There's some insane videos from the same guy on his profile. Check out this one. At first he's jammin about pine trees, then it's like a day in the life of a tree salesman.

2. Paul Baribeau - Christmas Lights

This has to be one of the most genuine, heartfelt Christmas songs of all time. And I actually enjoy it. I hear the cry of hispters everywhere: "HE ENJOYS A CHRISTMAS SONG!" "TAKE AWAY HIS LICENSE TO ALT!" - but guiz, relax... listen to the beautiful sound of Paul Baribeau and all your Christmas worries will go away. Or appear. Depending on how you interpret it.

1. Jona Lewie - Stop the Cavalry

I saw this play on the telly today. In fact, it inspired me to write this post. You cannot get any more alt than this Christmas song. It's post-punk, and it has trumpets, and it's about war. It's the Wacky Warehouse equivalent of irony. It's amazing. I like it. I think it's pretty okay.

So what are your favourite Christmas songs to be alt to? Do you consider Christmas to be 'mainstream'? What is the Christmas fashion item of the decade? Post in the comments, guiz. And happy fucking Christmas.