Sunday, August 2, 2009

An open plea not to buy Humbug


So in case you didn't know, Arctic Monkeys' third album leaked earlier this week and although I haven't downloaded it I know from the 30 seconds I've heard of 'Crying Lighting' that I'd probably gain greater pleasure sticking a cheese grater up my arse and bopping down a hill on a space hopper than hearing the rest of the album. Don't get me wrong, I used to be as keen as any other young 16 year old boy to jump to the defence of Alex Turner and his pals, but they've let me down. "But they've gone in a darker direction" wail the fanboys with their cocks firmly still up Turner's arse. Since when has the definition of 'darker' been slowing your songs down to a mind-numbingly boring tempo and singing lyrics so metaphorically shit that he may as well be fapping into the microphone?

So the vibe you should be picking up from the above paragraph is come 24th August, purchasing Humbug should be the last thing on your mind. But OH NO! What will you do with that extra £10 you were going to finance Turner's cocaine habit with? Well, how about you take that money and spend it on the giant car boot sale-come-record shop that is Amazon Marketplace. Here is a list of ten - yes, ten! - albums that you can get for the same price.

Sonic Youth - Dirty - 63p
Forget Daydream Nation, forget Goo and forget Confusion Is Sex if you're one of those "I liked the earlier material", Dirty is Sonic Youths' best album!

XX Teens - Welcome To Goon Island - £1.11
They seemed to play every festival going last year and that probably makes them feel a little better about the fact people are selling their album so cheaply only a couple of months after it was released.

Hot Club De Paris - Drop It 'Till It Pops - £1
A completely essential album, most underrated album of 2006 without a doubt. Still get shivers every time I hear 'Hello I Wrote A Song For You Called "Welcome To The Jungle"'.

Elle Milano - Acres Of Dead Space Cadets £1.49
If DITIP was the most underrated album of 2006 the same can be said for Elle Milano's debut for 2008, maybe that's why they've both been relegated to the Internet bargain bin.

Pulp - Different Class - 92p
The only way to party like it's 1995 on a budget of 92p. If you've got a bit of a bigger budget for 1995 nostalgia, try Elefun

At The Drive In - Relationship Of Command - £1.69
If you haven't got this, well... Go stick your cock firmly back up Alex Turner's arse.

Blur - The Great Escape - 98p
With their recent comeback gigs, what better way to remind yourself of when they were a lot more exciting than gathering some penny's together and buying this?

Grandaddy - The Sophtware Slump - £1.28
Probably the most obscure album on this list, and another massively underrated band. Pavement'esque college rock. Brooooooken Houseeeeeeehold Appliance.

Help She Can't Swim - The Death Of Nightlife - 94p
Someone recently said "aren't you a bit too old to be listening to them?"
I said "FUCK YOU. If I feel like listening to HSCS and feeling like I'm having a 13 year old girl's tantrum... I will!"

Wheatus - S/T - 1p
Yes 1p! Worth it just for the nostalgic rush of hearing "A Little Respect". Fuck "Teenage Dirtbag" - that was just an anthem for middle class teenage girls who gave their boyfriends blow jobs in the toilets at the school disco.

Total - £10.05

MP3: Sonic Youth - Youth Against Fascism
MP3: Hot Club de Paris - Hello, I Wrote a Song for You Called "Welcome to the Jungle"

17 comments:

ELMH said...

Herehere, dogg.

Anonymous said...

Absolute load of bollocks. Might even want to get the picture right for a start?

Neil Cake said...

Don't forget you have to add £1.24 for postage to every single item you get from Amazon Marketplace.

Anonymous said...

That hot club song really is incredibly bad, sorry but it really is

DamoYoung said...

OMG....did you say you heard 30 seconds??????yet the album is totally shit......what a fuckin childish wanker you are. Alex with a cocaine habit???? harsh accusations there kid!!!did you see him snort a couple lines??? a typical immature review from a total retard...well done.

Anonymous said...

westie must die

Tom said...

westie you're such a cock jesus

Ballsack ;) said...

I agree with everything said, i would like to add that Turner needs a haircut!

westie said...

I heard the last 10 seconds of pretty visitors at work tonight, so dissapointing

Ed said...

lol'd

Anonymous said...

I disagree with your article, but I agree that everyone should buy Relationship of Command. Amazing album.

Matt said...

Nice picture of The Enemy you absolute cock!

Anonymous said...

Or i could use the £10 to pay you to stop writing shit.

Matt said...

best fucking blog post ever!

look at the amount of fucking turner bummers here!

and i think its fair to say that the picture is a joke.

they're all as shit as eachother they all look the same.

fuck you arctic monkeys

jehan said...

you kinda kicked yourself in the balls with the photo error.

Ed said...

IT'S ON PURPOSE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS DON'T GET IT

jehan said...

fair enough.
but whilst humbug is really not worth writing home about, i would rather stick my head up alex turner's arse than think about the enemy.