On Monday 10th August 2009 at about 7.09pm, after Ed had just finished trying to jam on a guitar that was hurting his fingers, I said to Ed "hey Ed, let's go to Pulled Apart By Horses now because it's nearly 7.10' and we said bye to Buddy the cat who has some pretty nasty mental issues, due to my Arnold Schwangnigger impressions. Sorry Buddy.
When we arrived at The Cellars at approximately 7.35pm Ed 'had a go' at me because we were 'early'. "OH TOMW WE ARE ALWAYS EARLY TO GIGS" he cried. "OH TOMW WHY ARE YOU SUCH A HOMO?" Well, Ed, this time YOU WERE WRONG. As was clearly stated to us by Mr. Cellars, the owner of The Cellars at Eastney, a rather dashing venue in central Portsmouth and to the right a bit that was recently featured in the local evening news appealing to the general public to "come the fuck down and buy some beer", doors opened at HALF SEVEN. Fucktard.
Mr. Cellars soon spotted us and kept saying "DON'T WORRY GUYS! we're opening any minute now!" Eventually he said "we're opening in 10 seconds!" but it took a further 10 seconds after that. During this time we were the only dudes there, but then RIGHT ON CUE 2/3 of Mammoth! Mammoth! turned up and they stood behind us, fearing our presence. However we quickly joined them when PABH's Tom and Lee and hot girl walked past like they were celebrities or something. They just kind of stared and walked on by because they are PUNK ROCK like that.
[Photo of Chav/Punk band by Tom]
Once inside we bought Cokes and prepared our cameras for the amazing spectacle we expected ahead of us. The first band came on very soon after being told to 'get off the stage' by some guy several minutes earlier. It was at this point I was completely FUCKED IN THE MIND. First thing, they didnt even tell us their band name. Second thing, it was fronted by 2 chavs in some funny t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms and kswiss trainers with chains. Oh, and their guitarist was a 1970s Ramones fanboy straight out of a time machine. Like WHAT IS UP WITH THIS. Me and Ed laughed constantly throughout their set which included bad covers of Beastie Boys - Fight For Your Right and Rage Against The Nachine - Sleep Now In The Fire. It's like they learnt the freaking songs off Guitar Hero. The dude next to me said 'Hey! This is my favourite song in GH!' and at this point I lost faith in humanity and took a picture. Hopefully it'll come out bad and I can forget this part ever happened.
[Photo of Villiers Terrace by Ed]
Next up were Villiers Terrace. Now, after seeing this other band my head was already raped and these guys just added to the rapeness, but in a kinda good way. Their bassist was completely frozen in time, taking shoegaze to A WHOLE NEW LEVEL. Like he didnt even blink. I think the front guy was on crystal meth and I believe he is Miles Baker's lost cousin twice removed, because DAMN this guy looked like Miles Baker, and holy shit did he spazz out. He kept rolling his eyes around and diving into a door that nobody was even using and then at the end of every song they would just stand and drip sweat everywhere and then make up a new song. Seriously I think they formed like a month ago and just made up all their songs there and then. I did enjoy it to some extent though, it was definitely an experience.
The next band, Hold Fast, had a really hot girl in it, so me and Ed took pics. Musically I thought they were gonna just burst into some kind of Rolo Tomassi half-covers, but they decided to go all synthy and poppy and sometimes semi-scream down a megaphone. There was a dude in a girls blouse and silver eyeliner and another dude who was a blonde Patrick Wolf idolizer. I didn't really get it. To be honest, it was rubbish, in fact it was rubbish ever since the girl sang and didn't just jump into some radcore skramz shoutfest blowout. And anyway by this point all anyone cared about was PULLED APART BY RAPISTS.
[Photo of Pulled Apart By Horses by Tom]
So they came on and James said "HEY PORTSMUFF!" and nobody really said anything back, other than the 3 PABH fanboys who are at literally every gig around getting smashed and trying to make James 'do a barrel roll' (to which he does, by spazzing his head about). James said 'who likes high fives' and I said YEAH and put my hand out and we kinda like... just felt each others hands up. One of us killed the moment and I am pretty sure it was me. James you cunt (<3). But anyway, they played a sweet set bros, as you can imagine they tore shit up. They stood on stools, they crawled on the floor, they kind of ate a banana and then James threw it at the barrel roll dudes who took a bite and threw it back. People were kind of rocking out but there were too many hipsters around who just kind of nod their heads like 'yeah bro I am TOTALLY feeling this shit' but me and Ed were just at the front taking snaps and METAPHORICALLY MOSHING. It was rad.
After playing new songs 'We Shit Hits' and 'Back To The Fuck Yeah', PABH played their last song everybody cares about 'hey guys I think we just punched that lion in it's throat (is it okay do you think?)'. I felt this song was pretty good. But it wasn't cool when they just left, I swear something at The Cellars makes the band think 'oh fuck. We've played TOOO MUCH. RUN AWAY NOW' and they just leg it out the back door. I don't get it? Oh well.
In conclusion PABH are a pretty cool band and you should see them sometime as long as it doesn't cost 8 pounds sterling because I feel cheated by the Beastie Boys.
MP3: Pulled Apart By Horses - E=MC Hammer
BUY: Pulled Apart By Horses - Tour Traxx EP CD
More photos from the gig